Probably the most cliche thing that you could promise yourself when you want to forget about someone is giving yourself time until the end of the year, the month, the week, your supposed anniversary, or in my case, their birthday. I gave myself a little over 4 years to get over you because hey, no one wants to be stuck on their ex forever. Or what I've realized is that I was stuck on what we were and the person you were to me.
I've finally learned you're not that person now. And while it pains me to know I still could've been the person by your side and exploring who you are right now - I can finally say I'm at peace with where we both stand in our lives. There will always be the 'what ifs' that cycle through my head. And there will also always be the version of me that would often wish, from time to time, that I was still the one by your side, learning you and grieving the person I knew in college and growing together in the people we've come to be. But I know that's somewhere lost in a parallel world (that's an idea, right). But I always tell myself AT LEAST, in a parallel universe... that Janica is happy. With you there were no doubts, only certainties. And when I felt like you weren't certain with me, I guess it kind of threw me off course from sailing forward with you. And left me here. But like I said. I am finally at peace and I'm firm In saying that, because I'm also true in saying that. And while there will always be thoughts on what we could've been, I'm happy where you are, and I'm happy where I am... even if those two lives don't and will probably never intersect anymore. Of course maybe by some meteor-like grace of serendipity life will find a way to bash those lives into each other again, but until then, good bye. I love you, for the last time of who we were once. And I will continue to love you in a way that I will always care for you and want your happiness. It's hard because I guess the only thing I'm not at peace is the fact that I can't see myself marrying anyone else. It's hard because that person was always you and I put my whole life into an active role of planning for it and wanting to make it happen. And it stopped there. I can't see myself doing it again with someone else. For now. And I want to see someone else that way again. To want to commit to them for a lifetime and not think it's just some stupid piece of paper that's unnecessary because I have a child now anyways. To remember how magical it felt when I thought about it with you and how much it would have meant the world to me to marry the love of my life. But that's just it. You were the love of my life. And while that life is still moving forward, it's still the same. No one has taken over that love and I guess that's another thing I would have to fix within myself because while I'm at peace with saying goodbye... I have to make peace with the consequences of ripping us apart. So again, good bye. Happy birthday. And I honestly, sincerely pray you're living your best and happiest life right now.
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Hey, You!
Wow. That subject doesn't feel the same anymore. And while I know who we are aren't the same either, who we were is still stuck with me. I accidentally (not really) dropped by one of your social media accounts the other day and I realized, years of me being a part of it is gone. Suddenly I felt this sensation of fear and heartbreak. Those were good memories, and if it's something I can't look back on... then it makes me feel like it was never there. Of course, I'm aware that had I asked you to keep those photos, I would be selfish. For a big portion of our relationship, I was selfish... And now that we're not in a relationship, I finally have the strength and courage not to do that anymore... to be selfish. Because If I was selfish, I wouldn't work so hard on the little family I have right now to make sure we can all stay together and try and make a happy future together. Something that I'm struggling with since my heart still happens to be stuck in your pocket and trust me, I wish it wasn't. But I'm trying. For me, my partner and my beautiful baby girl. If I was selfish I probably would've given in to your flirts and swoons from last year... but I know you didn't want to be the kind of person to steal someone else's woman... and if I had to end up with you again, I would have wanted it to come from me being a single independent person who can be fully yours, without having to hurt someone else I'm with. If I was selfish... I would send this e-mail and tell you how much it still hurts to love you. Regret Is probably the worst thing you could ever have as a companion. It's been with me since I ended our relationship back in February 2017. Do you know what else I regret? The chance to grieve what we lost... I thought that by immediately dating someone else... I could get rid of the hurt I was feeling and the heartbreak I was going through. Obviously, 3 years later I find out I'm wrong. Because here you are rudely popping up in my dreams almost very single night. And I could dream about you and not feel a single thing, but that's not the case. It reminds me of what I had, what I lost, and what I would give... to turn back time and choose you. Choose us. Choose what we could've had together. If I was selfish I would have forced to get back together with you and be more assertive about it back in 2018... but it wasn't the right time. We were both definitely single... but like you said, you weren't at a great place in your life and I feel like I haven't quite grown yet to be the person who would've been good for you. I wasn't good for you. We both knew it. But I know you wold agree that you weren't good for me too. Towards the end of our relationship, we just started not being good for each other and even if we tried so hard... I think I got to the point of being selfish enough to start losing patience and faith. Again, this throws me down the road of regret. Somewhere I really don't want to be, because it's somewhere I'm mostly at every day... But anyways, this Is where I end. I probably won't ever send this to you because like I said... I'm not selfish anymore... And I wish I was this person for you when I had you... but our timing didn't seem to want us to be together back in 2018, and I'm sure with how our lives are now... it definitely won't make it happen for 2020. So here I am, pouring my thoughts and feelings out hoping it will help with my process of grieving what I lost. Because the truth is... how do you really ever get over the love of your life? I guess that's for you to already know and for me to still find out. Love, Mama Major. Depressive. Disorder.
Big words. Honestly, it’s not something I ever thought I’d have. I’m not sure if it’s because of the Filipino culture shunning the idea of mental disorders or it’s just because I usually try to bury my problems and feelings. I don’t like sharing how I feel, especially when I don’t feel okay. I feel like it’s a big burden to put on someone when they listen to me. So, naturally when I can’t handle it anymore, it comes out as little bursts that exhausts itself through platforms that aren’t really helpful. Ironically, I’m the kind of person who can listen to someone for hours, if it means I get to help them in some sort of way. I’m pretty sure a lot of you don’t know what this feels like or let alone have an idea of what it is. It’s not something everyone should say lightly. “Oh, I’m so depressed cause x, y and z”. Obviously I don’t want people to think I’m weak, but I think it’s important for people to have an understanding of what this “thing” really is. I hope you can read this with respect. It’s extremely hard to put myself out here and show myself bare just so you can at least have an idea of the reality that is depression. Also, I know a lot of people think that I’m strong. I handle a lot of shit on my own and I like being independent and all that. With what I’m about to say, this is not me breaking down and asking for pity… this is me trying to be strong for everyone so people out there can have an idea of what it feels like to be in the exact same position and know that you should not be blamed or called “OA” for what you’re going through. A LOT OF SHIT HAS HAPPENED SINCE 2017. It’s safe to say that the consistency of how I’m feeling has been an everyday mood since last year. Some days are good, most days are great and then there are the fair few bad days. Despite struggling through everything, I had a few lifelines here and there which, unfortunately, I do not have anymore. Which is one of the biggest reasons why I ended up in the hospital and recently these suicidal waves are starting to form into full-on tides. But therapy has helped me a lot and I’m trying extremely hard to keep up with just getting through the day. One of the things that keep me going is thinking that if I disappear, I’m going to create a domino of heartaches and I don’t want to put that on anyone. Well at least that’s what I keep in my head the moments that I don’t black out from strong impulses of just wanting to escape the “nothingness”. I’ve been on two anti-depressant medication since I walked out of the hospital and I recently just stopped cause I didn’t feel like they were helping. I haven’t had withdrawals from Prozac but I had really bad withdrawals from stopping Remeron. For a while, I would see flickering lights when I’d try to sleep, I would palpitate really bad and my brain just wouldn’t stop and rest. But after 2 week, it’s been easier to fall asleep. Since the start of this year, good days have been temporary. Days have been going extremely quick and slow at the same time. All the happiness are hours that are thrown out the window way too quickly and most of the hours left in my day just drag on. Don’t get me wrong, when I’m happy, I’m genuinely happy. But recently, I’ve been trying way too hard to be happy that it’s not natural anymore. The normality of my days have fluctuated and it seems like I’ve been trying so hard to look for something good more often than I should be looking for ways to get out of the bad. A lot of the things I do to keep myself okay are starting to slow down from working and I’m having a harder time looking for new ways to get new days. It’s like all of the heaviness is literally just this whole black thing that you can’t grasp, understand or even reason with. One moment you’re in a room with a floating black nothingness inside you and the next thing you know, it’s all around you. There are days when I can’t stop crying. I cry when I wake up, when I take a shower, when I cook my food, when I eat, when I ride the bus to school, in between bathrooms breaks while I’m supposed to be having class, before I go to bed, when I walk around town… it’s something I can’t control. One moment I’m extremely happy that the sun’s out and it’s such a beautiful day and then I’m reminded of everything that’s gone wrong and how it makes me feel and I just stop whatever I’m doing cause it all makes my chest physically hurt. It’s like suddenly being punched out of nowhere and you can’t do anything but to stand there and take it all in. Things that made you happy or excited don’t really excite you anymore or they’re fleeting moments that feel so temporary. Usual routines are a lot harder to do because everything feels so pointless. Walking feels pointless, talking, eating, thinking… it just feels like it leads to nowhere and it’s not solving anything. Doing anything takes up so much energy and you’re just tired all the time from everything that you feel and everything that you’re doing. You literally feel like a car forcing itself to run on empty and there’s no one there to push you or give you a jumpstart or even spare extra gas to run a few miles… That’s how my entire being feels. Here’s the truth. For years, I’ve been trying extremely hard to be strong. I’m not spared from gossip, social pressure, academic pressure, and especially pressure from my parents. I guess I’ve been trying so hard to keep it all together all these years and pushed my emotions aside that now I’m facing all the pain that’s been collecting since I was 12 (long story). High school was and is still the worst years of my life and I literally hated almost everyone. It was so difficult for me to see people years later trying to be nice to me when in reality all I wanted was for karma to hit them hard and fast. And while I was slowly climbing my success ladder in life, some of these people got the karma they deserved. And as much as I thought it would make me happy, it never did. I hated how I would always have a soft spot for people and still wanted what was best for them even when they gave me nothing but shit and shit. If I have to be extremely honest with myself, all these years that I was mad at that time of my life was not because of everyone who put me down, but because I couldn’t forgive myself for not wanting to see these people fail, hurt or suffer. Again, that’s me putting other people first, which is something I’ve always been good at doing… but I’ve been doing it well enough that I’ve honestly forgotten how to put me first. High school was bad enough where I actually attempted for the first time. Obviously my attempt failed cause I’m still here. I should’ve already started looking for help right then and there. College was a whole other phase of different problems and relationship fallouts. I hate that I started seeing the worst in people but not being mature or smart enough to change or help them. I hate that even when I knew I couldn’t make these people happy or proud of me, I’d still clamor for their approval because I wanted to make them happy. I hate how I was never old enough to know better and to choose myself when I knew that it would have been the best decision for me. Slowly I realized that most of the person that I wanted to be was jut someone that everyone else would like so I could avoid re-experiencing the shitty-ness of high school gossip. I was doing so many things to be someone that could please other people that really… it made me forget who I really was, the values and beliefs I kept and what I wanted for myself. And then there’s now. 13 years later and all of the years of conflict inside me is now starting to fight with my sanity. When I try so hard for the people I really care about and to have them tell you or show you that it’s not enough. That the people who don’t have the biggest impact on my life have to be the ones to tell me that they’re proud of me, they’re happy to have me, that I’m a good person, that they accept me, that they appreciate me… I hate that all of these issues are coming down fast on me and it feels like I’m drowning and every time I try to come up for air, I get breaths that are good enough to hold in for 10 seconds and then the undertow starts pulling me down again. I used to float and put all my problems and pain underwater. Then I used to swim when the currents started picking up. I guess I was avoiding it long enough that all the land I thought I had are now gone and I have no choice but to keep swimming and I’m so tired and the waves are eating me alive. I need a lifeline. I need it now more than ever. Depression is real. You may not understand it. I don’t understand it either, cause if I did I would have fixed it by now. But I understand how it feels to have it. It’s there and it’s not some funny joke you can pass around. So before you belittle someone for how they feel especially when they start feeling like the entire weight of the world is on their shoulders, don’t be an asshole. Don’t get mad at what you can’t understand and don’t tell them it’s so easy to choose to be happy or walk away from this. Because like I said, this black nothingness is all around me so even if I tried to walk away or run away from it… I still feel like I’m going nowhere. Don’t tell me others are having it worse and then tell me to try and have a good day. Because trust me, I’m trying… and it’s barely working. The sad thing is that I actually have to TRY and be happy. Do you have any idea of the mental strain and energy it actually takes to TRY and feel something that should come so naturally because of certain situations? No, you don’t. You don’t know. But reading this, now I hope you accept that there is something so real as depression, and just because it can’t accommodate to what your knowledge can or can’t grasp, it doesn’t mean you have to put people down for having it. You’re welcome. I've been a single pringle for 8 days now. As afraid as I am of being alone (because it's been 11 years since I was legitimately single), I'm excited about what I can achieve on my own, or learn by myself. I've invested so much of myself to other people and I've always wondered if I could still be as strong without anyone there supporting me or loving me.
I'm excited. I'm afraid. I also regret so much of what happened in my life last year. And a little over a year later, it still hurts. I need to use this new freedom to find a way to forgive myself and let go of that regret and remind myself why I had to let it go. But, even if I didn't deserve it, it didn't make anything better either. It's only given me pain and regret and the only thing I'm looking forward to at the end of all this is the hope that maybe someday, it can happen again. Life might be in my favor and God might find it fitting for second crossroads. You were the sun imploding inside me. I collapsed with your love but I radiated more intensely everyday. You were the love that took off my training wheels. You taught me how to balance my left and right and focus on what’s ahead. You told me to avoid all the things that blocked my way and if it did, look for a way around them. You taught me how to stay through til the bumpy road was over and you’d cheer from behind whenever I made it. Now I’ll remember, everytime I look back from where I stop and stay on my bike, I will always see you and how you managed to help me get here on my own.
You were the imaginary friend that was always there day in, day out. Except, you were real. You were there and you held me through the gashes and scratches of my playground. You pushed me higher on the swing when I thought I couldn’t go any further. You weren’t tired of constantly bringing my side up the see-saw for as long as you saw me smiling when I saw how far up I was. The height of my success was your sunshine through the clouds and that was all I ever wanted from a friend. You were there, and you were real. You were the coffee that woke me up in the mornings and mournings of my life. You were always that first sensation of what was real. Your love made my heart race while my whole body was calm. It was like all of me knew that everything was going to be okay but it still excited me. It was like all of me knew how much your love made me shake and if I had to be honest with myself, my heart still raced 1,654 days after my first sip. Now you’re my supernova. All great loves come to an even grander ending (if it does). You were my sun. And now you’re not. You burned with me fiercely and now we’re floating on the waves of the aftermath. I wish we were thrown into space together but you became a titanic explosion and I needed to break free. It was wonderful, to witness how catastrophically beautiful you were. But the further I drifted, the more I started to see why I needed to detach myself from your gravity. As happy as I was to realize I made the right decision, seeing you became painful. It hurt to see you dying. It hurt where I felt my last life-line snap. Until the end, I was hopeful. Now I’ve drifted too far and now you’re a blackhole. Nothing seems to be enough to pull me back. Sometimes I wish there was a force strong enough to help me swim through the distance between me and you. Sometimes I think it’s safer to be sucked into oblivion with you and start new in some other unchartered space. Then there are times when I think it’s best to be pulled further from you and see if I can create constellations inside me. But one thing’s certain… to see you die, to see where we burned endlessly, to see where we emanated so intensely… it’s already broken the constellations I planned to chart. You’ve broken the safety of my growth and the millions of other suns pulling me in. They’re not the same. They’re not you. You were my brightest. And while I work on the life that’s expanding inside and outside of me, I hope that I can travel far enough to find another universe that has you in it. Until then, goodbye. You were my greatest love and now you are my greatest, most heart-wrenching, most soul-shattering heartbreak. Yesterday.
The hours passed with your presence. The minutes drowned me in your voice. The seconds caressed me in your arms and the days were filled with the warmth of your skin. All of this happens to be today’s cold mark. A remembrance; of what used to be and where you used to be. I can feel the slight tingle of my shoulder remembering the strong hold of your hand when you pulled me closer. I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand when you whispered stories in my ear. Memories; all of which seem to envelope my body. Though it stands still in the present, it’s alive in yesterday. Yesterday. My heart beat with every single verse of ‘I love you’s that came from your lips. My breath sighed with every moment you stared straight through the seas of my soul. My mind flickers with wonder every time I was reminded that today, you are mine. Now my mind flickers with wonder on how everyday will be without you. Flickers to aches to ticks to pulses. Waves and tidal waves of wondering where and why yesterday stopped… and today came. Yesterday. And even if today I know your skin touches hers and your lips traces her jaw; she can never have yesterday. Yesterday when you were here with your heart on your sleeve. Yesterday when tomorrows seemed so safe and the days past seemed like unshakeable foundations. Today you are hers. Yesterday, you were mine. And for as long as my heart anchors itself in what was, I will momentarily pause to be. It always feels nice knowing you’re in a priority list. Whether you’ve got a VIP number for a queue or you know your reservation has been put at the top of the list, it feels nice knowing that you’re important for something. Same goes for people, it feels nice knowing that you’re probably included in the many things that they work on headfirst in life.
It’s not always going to be good, though. While you maintain your importance in someone’s life, you also start feeling the weight of the other important things that are surrounding him and even if you tell yourself not to, you can’t help but number all these priorities in your head. Sometimes you feel like you’re one-up over his sport or probably two notches below his education. Wherever you put yourself on this invisible ranking, you as a priority, will - still - be adjusted as days burn down. The longer you are with someone, you either climb to the top of the list, slide back down, stay comfortable in the middle or put yourself in a stagnant position from where you first started. Inevitable enough, green monsters are going to pop out here and there when you think that something’s being given more importance than what you’re demanding or needing right at a certain moment. Of course, most times you have no choice but to understand but sometimes, people can be dumb with their petty reasons. It’s hard when people think they’re sacrificing for you because they’re adjusting their priorities to put you on top for a little bit. But then, do they really adjust because they’re sacrificing other priorities when the situation demands it? Or are they shifting priorities just because it’s comfortable for them (AKA I’ve made sure nothing else on my list could get hurt so I think it’s okay to put you first for a little bit now)? You’ll start feeling the sting most especially when you know he’s sacrificed you as priority to put other things first and you end up asking: Why does he feel like he’s sacrificing to put me first sometimes when I’ve never seen his other priorities get hurt just because he put me first? Now, logically, it’s because other things have no say in it and they can’t afford to get hurt. There will be nothing to adjust or understand because non-human priorities have deadlines to meet and sometimes they just can't be swayed down even for just a little while - unless you sacrifice. Like for example:
But on the other hand, what if you were the one to be sacrificed? Or adjusted out of comfort?:
Now in this case, humans can obviously afford to get hurt, even if the situation seems like you don’t have a choice but in the end you can either choose to stay butthurt or be “understanding” (but trust me when I say - people can only ever understand SO MUCH of you adjusting them as priority in your life). So be wary and know your worth. Don’t settle on people who keep sacrificing you as a priority for other things but put you on the top of their priority ONLY when it’s comfortable for them. The last priority slot sucks so don’t fall into that pit. 'Ungrateful' is literally the last thing I'd ever want to hear if I do say what I'm about to say here. It's not that I don't appreciate the times that I can actually see and finally visit Robert (aka LDR boyfriend), but it's the fact that it's just a visit. Meaning - it's only temporary. That word can take you on a whole universal level of suck-town when it perfectly describes your time with someone, let alone your relationship with someone. I'd like to think that relationships are made from two people working together and working on each other as well and learning more about the other while they're together. Even though me and Robert can't particularly do so much together right now, I'd also like to think that we have a one-up over others who don't know how it is to be apart for a long time - and that's the ability to communicate. REALLY COMMUNICATE. Even when it hurts, or you don't want to, or you just think it's going to hurt you guys more today... You know that you have to. Because talking is the only thing that you have and you have to make do with what you have if you want it to work.
ANYWAYS, that's not the point of this post. What I really want to say is that I hate temporary. I hate temporary as much as I hate goodbyes. Put those two together and it gives me the worst kind of pain I constantly have to experience in my relationship every time I see Robert. It's that bad that it's come to the point where I dread the day I get to see him, or sometimes I'd wish I'd rather not see him until I wouldn't have to leave, or he doesn't have to get on a plane and fly miles away from me again. It's the worst thing that's eating the back of my mind while I'm trying to be happy and just enjoy the time I have with him while I'm finally sharing meals with him again, or taking walks with him or just sitting on the couch with him. The moment the plane lands and I walk through the doors of the airport and see his face beaming at me, I have to start counting: Day 1. Now I only have x days left. It's the worst feeling to want to wake up to spend another day with him but not wake up either so the days wouldn't pass by too quickly and I wouldn't have to subtract another perfect 24 hours I could spend with him. It's the worst feeling to be stuck between staying up or wanting to sleep cause if you wake up early the day comes sooner and the sooner you get to spend it with him, staying up means spending more time of the day you're already going through with him. But it's good in a way that you don't really have to work so hard to make the days 'worth it'. Like some people really take a whole trip out of town or fly to another country to make their time spent worth it. But hey, there's totally nothing wrong with that, that's good and all! But being in a long distance relationship, it makes you appreciate just breathing the same air with the person. That actually makes the whole trip worth it, no matter where you go or what you do, their presence is always going to be enough for you. I can't emphasize this enough especially if you haven't seen him for 8 months to 1 year. But sooner or later, time runs out. Eventually three weeks are summarized down to the last 10 minutes before your boarding time and you know that your local phone number in whichever country you guys are in won't ever be able to contact him again. Everything feels cut off the moment you buckle on and wait for the plane to move down the runway. It's like 1 week never happened, like a month never happened or 2 months never happened. No matter how long you plan to stay... you know you always have to go away anyways. No matter how much you save, it's never going to be to save together - it's more of 'to save for a certain amount of time you'll be with this person'. And the budget goes: $50/day. Food, drinks, snacks, etc. How many days do I have with him? So that's 50 bucks times the temporary days JUST to be with him, How many times are we going to eat out? Are we going to celebrate the last night? Should I prepare for if we're gonna go out of town? How much should I bring for airport fees? Everything that circulates in your head is how you're going to live and leave before day 1 even begins. Again, it is the absolute worst thing. Most times the situation challenges you to your limits and makes you want to give up. It makes you ask so many questions like why do I have to wait for someone like this, am I ever going to be with this person, how long is it gonna take before we really end up together cause our planned pace seems too slow, etc etc. Not saying couples who are always together have it easy, just jealous of you I guess. It also makes you wonder how it would feel like to be with someone like that everyday. To go through success with someone there, cry with someone there, grieve with someone there, make soup with someone there, end your day with someone there or argue with someone face to face. Some people can be so lucky. Fortunately, my luck falls on Robert and the kind of man that he is. If he wasn't the one I was going through this hell-hole with, I wouldn't have made it to 1 year of long distance. Now we recently just turned 2 in the LDR age group so we're still learning to stand up. I make us fall most times but he never fails to bring me back on my feet again. It's not the easiest thing - but going through it with him easily makes it 0 to 100 real quick. First off, I just want to let everyone know that I’m not gonna number this out because I don’t even know how many steps or tips or rules there are in surviving long distance relationships. Second, I do not claim to know that every single thing I write down here is foolproof and it will ensure a 100% chance of making you survive your own LDR. I’m simply writing down my thoughts considering I’m also sometimes curious as to how me and Robert have made it this far. Yup, long distance for 2 years now and we’ve been dating for almost 4 years now, too. It hasn’t been the easiest thing in the world. To put it simply, I don’t think people should choose or even want to be in long distance relationships. Avoid it if you can (cause this shit is no joke). It’s not just twice the effort, or twice the understanding and patience and etc. It’s 5, 6, 10, 100 times more than everything else you’re used to doing when you’re in a relationship with someone that’s physically close to you. It’s just too much, to be honest.
BUT ANYWAYS, I’m not here to discourage anyone, I just want others to understand what they’re getting in to, or give others an idea of how it usually is when you’re far apart from your significant other. So again, I don’t have a specific number of tips here. I’m just writing along as I realise some things and well, I hope it helps anyone who needs it. So let me start with this: 1. Patience
2. Understanding
3. Forgiveness
4. Learn how to say “I’m Sorry”
5. Push each other to do/work/be/study/learn/talk/grow better
6. Do/work/be/study/learn/talk/and grow better for yourself as well
7. Plan
8. Have a final plan
So that’s it. That’s all my mind can come up with at 2am. There’s way more to surviving long distance relationships but they all basically sum up to these 8 things right here. There’s also the matter of external help like friends and family but that might just be for another blog entry (depends on whether I feel like it or not because that’s going to be another long entry). So love and enjoy the distance that you have instead of complaining about it more than you appreciate it because the more you complain, the more it causes disdain. And stress and pity-partying and just everything else that could break a perfectly good relationship. Be more appreciative and and forgiving and everything will be alright! For years I've always thought something was wrong whenever people promised to sacrifice something for Lent. For 40 days, every year, people always had or did less of something. I never realised what was the flaw in all this until today. I guess, that's also why, whenever people asked me what I would sacrifice for Lent, my answers always changed because they never seemed to be enough. Cutting down my rice never seemed to be enough, cutting down meat, or internet hours or procrastinating never seemed enough of an answer to their question. In turn, their answers also never meant much either. I never understood why they seemed so convinced that their sacrifice would bring about change within them. For a lot of people, they've forgotten the real essence of sacrifice and for some, they know where their sacrifice leads them.
Let me share with you this tiny little flaw that hopefully changes how you see and make your sacrifices. Not just for Lent, not just for the holy week, or for Christmas or for a vacation, but hopefully for your life. Ok, here's the thing. I know that sacrificing essentially means giving up something, but meaningful sacrifice means giving up something in order to gain more. Instead of cutting off things from our life like our phones or carbs, or doing less of being lazy or lying... I think people should just do MORE.
The moment we think that we want to do less of something for a certain amount of time, most of the time we look forward to the deadline. In our heads, some of us are already saying "I wish Lent is over so I can start eating rice again" or "I wish the 40 days are up cause I want to look at my Twitter feed already". It doesn't make sense to sacrifice something for a while only to start doing things again after the deadline's passed. And what's changed in your life? What's gotten better after sacrificing something for 40 days? Nothing. It doesn't make us better and it definitely doesn't help us grow. We're simply putting a pause to something that's such a regular thing in our life, that's why a lot of Catholics... actually... a lot of PEOPLE, find the process of sacrificing so difficult to do, it's because they don't know how to do it right. I believe that the process of sacrificing wouldn't be much of a restrictive path to take if we feel that we are growing and getting better. When we feel like we're growing as a person, or becoming a better friend, daughter, girlfriend or student because of what we've sacrificed, because of what more we were able to do, then I think people would sacrifice more and not complain so much. Most sacrifices I've seen are such stagnant promises that keep us from pushing ourselves to do more. Eventually, if we do things right, the things we wanted to sacrifice so abruptly, become things we do less because we're doing more important things. Things that make us better people, things that keep us preoccupied and things that keep us happier than the person that we were. Sacrifice should bring us closer to a sense of self-fulfilment rather than an abrupt moment of keeping us from things we think are fulfilling our selves. |
- 1 -“I am looking for friends. What does that mean -- tame?" |