'Ungrateful' is literally the last thing I'd ever want to hear if I do say what I'm about to say here. It's not that I don't appreciate the times that I can actually see and finally visit Robert (aka LDR boyfriend), but it's the fact that it's just a visit. Meaning - it's only temporary. That word can take you on a whole universal level of suck-town when it perfectly describes your time with someone, let alone your relationship with someone. I'd like to think that relationships are made from two people working together and working on each other as well and learning more about the other while they're together. Even though me and Robert can't particularly do so much together right now, I'd also like to think that we have a one-up over others who don't know how it is to be apart for a long time - and that's the ability to communicate. REALLY COMMUNICATE. Even when it hurts, or you don't want to, or you just think it's going to hurt you guys more today... You know that you have to. Because talking is the only thing that you have and you have to make do with what you have if you want it to work.
ANYWAYS, that's not the point of this post. What I really want to say is that I hate temporary. I hate temporary as much as I hate goodbyes. Put those two together and it gives me the worst kind of pain I constantly have to experience in my relationship every time I see Robert. It's that bad that it's come to the point where I dread the day I get to see him, or sometimes I'd wish I'd rather not see him until I wouldn't have to leave, or he doesn't have to get on a plane and fly miles away from me again. It's the worst thing that's eating the back of my mind while I'm trying to be happy and just enjoy the time I have with him while I'm finally sharing meals with him again, or taking walks with him or just sitting on the couch with him. The moment the plane lands and I walk through the doors of the airport and see his face beaming at me, I have to start counting: Day 1. Now I only have x days left. It's the worst feeling to want to wake up to spend another day with him but not wake up either so the days wouldn't pass by too quickly and I wouldn't have to subtract another perfect 24 hours I could spend with him. It's the worst feeling to be stuck between staying up or wanting to sleep cause if you wake up early the day comes sooner and the sooner you get to spend it with him, staying up means spending more time of the day you're already going through with him. But it's good in a way that you don't really have to work so hard to make the days 'worth it'. Like some people really take a whole trip out of town or fly to another country to make their time spent worth it. But hey, there's totally nothing wrong with that, that's good and all! But being in a long distance relationship, it makes you appreciate just breathing the same air with the person. That actually makes the whole trip worth it, no matter where you go or what you do, their presence is always going to be enough for you. I can't emphasize this enough especially if you haven't seen him for 8 months to 1 year. But sooner or later, time runs out. Eventually three weeks are summarized down to the last 10 minutes before your boarding time and you know that your local phone number in whichever country you guys are in won't ever be able to contact him again. Everything feels cut off the moment you buckle on and wait for the plane to move down the runway. It's like 1 week never happened, like a month never happened or 2 months never happened. No matter how long you plan to stay... you know you always have to go away anyways. No matter how much you save, it's never going to be to save together - it's more of 'to save for a certain amount of time you'll be with this person'. And the budget goes: $50/day. Food, drinks, snacks, etc. How many days do I have with him? So that's 50 bucks times the temporary days JUST to be with him, How many times are we going to eat out? Are we going to celebrate the last night? Should I prepare for if we're gonna go out of town? How much should I bring for airport fees? Everything that circulates in your head is how you're going to live and leave before day 1 even begins. Again, it is the absolute worst thing. Most times the situation challenges you to your limits and makes you want to give up. It makes you ask so many questions like why do I have to wait for someone like this, am I ever going to be with this person, how long is it gonna take before we really end up together cause our planned pace seems too slow, etc etc. Not saying couples who are always together have it easy, just jealous of you I guess. It also makes you wonder how it would feel like to be with someone like that everyday. To go through success with someone there, cry with someone there, grieve with someone there, make soup with someone there, end your day with someone there or argue with someone face to face. Some people can be so lucky. Fortunately, my luck falls on Robert and the kind of man that he is. If he wasn't the one I was going through this hell-hole with, I wouldn't have made it to 1 year of long distance. Now we recently just turned 2 in the LDR age group so we're still learning to stand up. I make us fall most times but he never fails to bring me back on my feet again. It's not the easiest thing - but going through it with him easily makes it 0 to 100 real quick.
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