Hey, You!
Wow. That subject doesn't feel the same anymore. And while I know who we are aren't the same either, who we were is still stuck with me. I accidentally (not really) dropped by one of your social media accounts the other day and I realized, years of me being a part of it is gone. Suddenly I felt this sensation of fear and heartbreak. Those were good memories, and if it's something I can't look back on... then it makes me feel like it was never there. Of course, I'm aware that had I asked you to keep those photos, I would be selfish. For a big portion of our relationship, I was selfish... And now that we're not in a relationship, I finally have the strength and courage not to do that anymore... to be selfish. Because If I was selfish, I wouldn't work so hard on the little family I have right now to make sure we can all stay together and try and make a happy future together. Something that I'm struggling with since my heart still happens to be stuck in your pocket and trust me, I wish it wasn't. But I'm trying. For me, my partner and my beautiful baby girl. If I was selfish I probably would've given in to your flirts and swoons from last year... but I know you didn't want to be the kind of person to steal someone else's woman... and if I had to end up with you again, I would have wanted it to come from me being a single independent person who can be fully yours, without having to hurt someone else I'm with. If I was selfish... I would send this e-mail and tell you how much it still hurts to love you. Regret Is probably the worst thing you could ever have as a companion. It's been with me since I ended our relationship back in February 2017. Do you know what else I regret? The chance to grieve what we lost... I thought that by immediately dating someone else... I could get rid of the hurt I was feeling and the heartbreak I was going through. Obviously, 3 years later I find out I'm wrong. Because here you are rudely popping up in my dreams almost very single night. And I could dream about you and not feel a single thing, but that's not the case. It reminds me of what I had, what I lost, and what I would give... to turn back time and choose you. Choose us. Choose what we could've had together. If I was selfish I would have forced to get back together with you and be more assertive about it back in 2018... but it wasn't the right time. We were both definitely single... but like you said, you weren't at a great place in your life and I feel like I haven't quite grown yet to be the person who would've been good for you. I wasn't good for you. We both knew it. But I know you wold agree that you weren't good for me too. Towards the end of our relationship, we just started not being good for each other and even if we tried so hard... I think I got to the point of being selfish enough to start losing patience and faith. Again, this throws me down the road of regret. Somewhere I really don't want to be, because it's somewhere I'm mostly at every day... But anyways, this Is where I end. I probably won't ever send this to you because like I said... I'm not selfish anymore... And I wish I was this person for you when I had you... but our timing didn't seem to want us to be together back in 2018, and I'm sure with how our lives are now... it definitely won't make it happen for 2020. So here I am, pouring my thoughts and feelings out hoping it will help with my process of grieving what I lost. Because the truth is... how do you really ever get over the love of your life? I guess that's for you to already know and for me to still find out. Love, Mama
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