Probably the most cliche thing that you could promise yourself when you want to forget about someone is giving yourself time until the end of the year, the month, the week, your supposed anniversary, or in my case, their birthday. I gave myself a little over 4 years to get over you because hey, no one wants to be stuck on their ex forever. Or what I've realized is that I was stuck on what we were and the person you were to me.
I've finally learned you're not that person now. And while it pains me to know I still could've been the person by your side and exploring who you are right now - I can finally say I'm at peace with where we both stand in our lives. There will always be the 'what ifs' that cycle through my head. And there will also always be the version of me that would often wish, from time to time, that I was still the one by your side, learning you and grieving the person I knew in college and growing together in the people we've come to be. But I know that's somewhere lost in a parallel world (that's an idea, right). But I always tell myself AT LEAST, in a parallel universe... that Janica is happy. With you there were no doubts, only certainties. And when I felt like you weren't certain with me, I guess it kind of threw me off course from sailing forward with you. And left me here. But like I said. I am finally at peace and I'm firm In saying that, because I'm also true in saying that. And while there will always be thoughts on what we could've been, I'm happy where you are, and I'm happy where I am... even if those two lives don't and will probably never intersect anymore. Of course maybe by some meteor-like grace of serendipity life will find a way to bash those lives into each other again, but until then, good bye. I love you, for the last time of who we were once. And I will continue to love you in a way that I will always care for you and want your happiness. It's hard because I guess the only thing I'm not at peace is the fact that I can't see myself marrying anyone else. It's hard because that person was always you and I put my whole life into an active role of planning for it and wanting to make it happen. And it stopped there. I can't see myself doing it again with someone else. For now. And I want to see someone else that way again. To want to commit to them for a lifetime and not think it's just some stupid piece of paper that's unnecessary because I have a child now anyways. To remember how magical it felt when I thought about it with you and how much it would have meant the world to me to marry the love of my life. But that's just it. You were the love of my life. And while that life is still moving forward, it's still the same. No one has taken over that love and I guess that's another thing I would have to fix within myself because while I'm at peace with saying goodbye... I have to make peace with the consequences of ripping us apart. So again, good bye. Happy birthday. And I honestly, sincerely pray you're living your best and happiest life right now.
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