Negativity on anything, in anything, under anyone or inside anyone does not exactly match well with me. While I promote the understanding of human beings and being able to care for them during and after the lowest points of their human lives, it's not exactly the easiest advice I follow. As much as I love seeing people stick up for someone and be there despite all the bad things that envelop their personality, I usually run the opposite track when it happens to the people around me. I guess it's because I can't handle my own negative bubble. Or maybe a reflection of my own personality drives me away.
When I say negativity is hard to handle, I mean... You'll see me out the door when you don't listen to my advice the first three times. I don't have much patience for people to change or move out of their bitchy fit, dry their eyes from a confidence breakdown or realise that there's more to life than being a Debbie Downer. I know I'm not the best person to say this considering I am a very angry person and I am engulfed by anger most of the time, which means I'm easily enraged by anything or anyone. What's worse is that it's so hard to get me out of that state and I know I've caused harm and hurt to the people around me when they try to help. I think that's why I can't handle any more of anything upsetting from the people around me because it's literally too much to handle. When the bad turns to worse for them, that usually means it's the worst state of my relationship with them. I can't handle it sometimes, but doesn't mean I don't do anything about it. For years I've always hated whenever my advice gets turned down or it takes months or years years before I can actually help people out of their pitiful state. But then - this is my point - just because I hate it, doesn't mean I won't do anything about it. The way I look after the people I obsessively care about, are the people that could make me work hard for a home run on the friendship department. AKA being a real friend despite wanting out of the sadness, pain, frustration, depression, aggression, transgression and all other 'ession's that could affect me badly while I'm trying to help them. So... this means that when I love you as a friend, I literally mean I God damn love you with all of me and it is with that love that I am able to produce a miracle: to stay when everyone else walks out and to stay when almost every fibre of my being can't handle it anymore. I'm not exactly the ideal person to look up to when we talk about "staying with people", I've walked out more than I've chosen to sit down and hold my ground. But... I do have a few soft spots here and there for a person or two. Or three or four. The point is, I may not be able to do it with everyone, but I am able to do it for the people who have always been worth it.
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I've always been intrigued by social interaction; how it works, how two people create a relationship with one another or how they suddenly put a sense of trust in the other. No matter how you put it, when you find a connection with someone, they could instantly become an added page to your life. Intimate relationships are as interesting and as important as friendly relationships. At some point, I started having a deeper fascination with social interaction that I would start to question why some people click and why others don't. Despite what's mentioned, I also want to understand so many other things. I have bigger questions that trickle down to two people with a connection to each other... and not just an understanding of the other's exterior.
I think that social interaction is a very beautiful thing that should never be diminished by technology. The world is advancing at such an alarming pace that a great number of people have actually succumbed to the ease of interacting online. People would rather see what's happening to their friend on Facebook or try to know their thoughts through Twitter. It's sad that a lot of people have made the emptiness of online blog spaces as their way and means of expressing themselves, with no one to respond to them or with no one to give their thoughts to on the matter. There are a few who would text or chat you just to say 'I miss you', but never actually do anything about it because they're too busy or their schedule's filled up. Reasons come out here and there, reasons like "Well, we have Viber anyways/ we have iMessage/ Facetime/ Messenger/ unlimited texting/ call", all of which never seem to cut it for me. I am a firm believer of the beauty and sincerity that comes out of people who make time for each other to talk, to know their stories and see how they light up or how they cry or even how they laugh in person. To see the wrinkles crease in their eyes when their smiles are too wide because you're the first person they've told that they're pregnant or to see the first tear drop when they confess that they're depressed... Nothing takes away the genuineness of someone's chosen presence in your life. Of course, I am not blind to the fact that several people were also ripped off their chance and rights to socialize. A part of the sad truth about being alive is the capacity we have to make choices; the good and the bad. Sometimes humans can choose to separate people because of their gender, race or color. Some people separate others from "the normal ones" because they have deformities or have certain illnesses that prove them "not good enough" for society. This causes a lot of lapses in choosing who people want to interact with. The rich choose only to talk to the rich and the whites choose only to be fair and kind to the whites. This story goes far back in our history and slowly, technology has made it a tad bit worse. Although the world has bred out kinder generations, it's also produced some of the most unsociable people. Along with the fast pace modernization has provided for our lives, it's all been about study and work that people forget to take time to actually be there for each other. When I say "be there", I mean really BE THERE. Not just because we're required to for a school project or a business meeting - but because we want to - to BE THERE for someone else. We want to know them, what's happening, show concern, make them laugh, express our loads, share in their joys or bask in their sorrows. No, I don't believe social media is enough for people to express themselves. We were born to talk and express ourselves but only a few have learned the importance of listening in presence. Listening without having to look at the time or listening without having to think "I have an 8am dentist appointment tomorrow". Some people don't need a lot. Once or twice a week? Every two weeks? Once a month? The secret I've learned that a lot of people don't know is this: the precious time you take out of yours, to give to someone - the time you take to listen and to be there and to say what's in your heart, to give honest advice or to spend time to make someone happy - that time could be someone's saving grace. And at the end of it all, it could be your saving grace, too. One of the things I pride myself in is the fact that I'm the eldest among my siblings. I have 2 younger brothers and and being the only girl among us 3, it can get intimidating, tiring and frustrating. But what I noticed with other families is that, if you're the eldest and you're a girl, there's usually more responsibility set out for you as opposed to if you were the "kuya".
I love my brothers. Like any other normal ate, I care for them a lot and I love them til it hurts. I've learned a lot of things by being my brothers' older sister but I've also cursed some experiences that went with it. It's not happy all the time and most times they forget the things that I do for them. Sometimes they feel entitled to a lot of things just because I'm the eldest or they feel like I'll always be able to understand but it's not always like that. Of course, a lot of good came with the bad and right now I've been making the most out of whatever I've learned from taking care of them Sometimes being understanding meant you weren't understood.
Sometimes being selfless meant a reflection of selfishness.
Sometimes being patient meant impatience thrown right back at you.
I don't mind all these little snippets of opposites thrown back at me. I know that my brothers will learn and someday, I hope that everything I've given them will be the things they give to other people as well, because taking care of them has taught me how to take care of everyone important to me. They teach me something new everyday, all with the good and the bad and this will always be the reason why I pride myself in being their older sister. Being sick has finally given me time to think and grieve and think of something to do with the friends I've lost. Not that I'm ever really upset about most that have gone far from my life, but to the ones who disappeared when I trusted them enough to fall back on them, it's not exactly how I wanted to fall out with people.
Some people think I have a lot of friends, people I say hi to or smile at. People I wave to or nod at. At the mall, at school, down the streets of Manila or Davao. You can't simply ignore people you've worked with for events, people introduced to you or people who were once your classmates or groupmates over a school project. It takes more than just meeting someone once and having coffee with them for an hour to actually call them your friend. Well... at least that's how I assess my friendships with people. I don't let a lot of people into my life, I don't trust people enough and I can't just suddenly give someone a big part of me, my time and my thoughts. Despite having a wide barricade portraying Nica vs. the people, I still have a heart to let out every once in a while. Even though we're not friends, even though you've never actually heard my stories or see my life at a week-old time frame, I can still give you a part of me without having to have you in it. I like helping people and I like being the part of their day that makes them smile or think that 'this day is better than most'. I can give free hugs, I can give you a letter, I can detail a bible verse on paper for you, I can give you chocolates and I can give you someone there to listen. Around this time last year I did a happiness project for people and a fulfilment project for myself. Like any normal college student around finals week, I was stressed and depressed with school and work. Helping people always brightened my day and it was the best stress-reliever I could think of. So, I put up a status on Facebook telling people that I knew they were stressed and probably dying just as much as I was, so to whoever liked it, I would give time for them to make sure something made them feel better. I couldn't really surprise all 200++++ people with letters/chocolates/cupcakes/name calligraphy and etc so I got around to giving something to 100+++ people instead. Now most of these people weren't really people I'd call my friends, but my point is no matter who you are, if you need me, I can be there for you. Which alone says a lot to how I can be to the friends who actually need me. I'm not good with losing friends, like I said I don't have a lot. Despite my actions and despite thinking that I've been or I am a good friend to people, there are times when I can be wrong. Which, of course, proves the hill of friends that I have lost over the years. I'm not good at letting go of anything - wasted time, people, opportunities... I can wade in regret and anger and questions for such a long time wondering what I could've done to make things better or what I could've done to change the path I've led myself and other people on to. I've always been so good at starting things, going through with things, but when they fall apart... I can enter Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression but it's always been hard for me to put one foot in through Acceptance. So for this month's fulfilment project I decided to take a step towards working on how to accept the fact that I've lost friends. Good ones, bad ones, ones that made me laugh and kept me company until 6 am and ones that only came to me when they ever needed something. I may not have meant a grain of sand to you but for a time in my life you meant more than half my happiness, my thankfulness and what kept me going everyday. For the next part of this entry, my apologies are sincere, I will not be sarcastic in any way and I am saying this with the heaviest heart anyone who's ever lost a friend could ever have. I'm sorry to the friends I lost because of their girlfriends. I'm sorry that I caused insecurity issues or problems and that being a friend to you meant causing fights between you and the person that you loved. I never did anything, I'm sure you guys know that, but I'm sorry nonetheless if I caused stressed between you and a relationship that means more to you than a lot of other things. I'm sorry I couldn't be there to support you or be happy with you because I couldn't... I'm sorry you haven't heard from me because I can't. If ever you need someone to turn back too, I just want you to know, I'm still here. I'm sorry to the friends I lost because of my impatience. I'm sorry I couldn't understand you better. I'm sorry the way I acted seemed like I didn't care or I couldn't give you enough of my time... I just want you to know I was probably having a really bad day, I probably just lost another friend, failed an exam, had another rumor spread about me or etc that's why I couldn't keep my cool and I'm sorry that that caused you to stop talking to me, stopped trusting me or stopped believing in the trust I gave you... If ever you need someone to turn back too, I just want you to know, I'm still here. I'm sorry to the friends I lost because of the lack of communication. How long has it been? Weeks? Months? Years? I know I'm not the kind of friend who pops in from time to time to ask you how you are. I think it's because I'm exactly the kind of friend who doesn't need that either to know that you're still one of my really good friends. But that was selfish of me and I should've known and adjusted to you wanting that, to you wanting people to ask you how you are from time to time and for someone reaching out to you and someone to randomly listen. I'm sorry I couldn't give you that unless I saw you... I'm treating my friends better now because of losing you and I know better now. I'm sorry and thank you... If ever you need someone to turn back too, I just want you to know, I'm still here. I'm sorry to the friends I lost because my life is dramatic. And chaotic and full of shit and bullshit. I know everyone else has this too but mine probably takes the cake that's why you couldn't handle me. I'm sorry if my problems and the problems I personally caused became too much for you to handle, to listen to, to be there for me when it hits hard. I can't blame you because in all honesty, I can seriously have the shittiest drama in the history of drama, so I could never hate you or blame you for pulling away and wanting a quieter, stress-free friendship with other people. If ever you need someone to turn back too, I just want you to know, I'm still here. I'm sorry to the friend I lost because of the kind of person that I am. It's hard for me to lie if you're my friend. It's hard for me to not get deeply hurt when you do me wrong. It's hard for me to not surprise you with gifts and lambing. It's hard for me not to be all these things and more because you're one of the few people I call my friend and I really love you and I'm sorry that the way I treat you can be too much for you to handle or understand. One day I hope I can be better or channel my emotions better, but right now I pray that you are being taken care of by people who can definitely be a friend to you - better than I ever could. If ever you need someone to turn back too, I just want you to know, I'm still here. You guys have helped me grow far from the person I was before I wrote this down and I will always be grateful for you. There's not one day that I don't miss your company and even if it might be a bother to think of the company you had with me, I will be in pain because I just lost "one of the few" and I will always be happy because I was also "one of the few" to meet you. It goes without saying that I always respected them, even before today. It may have been crappy and imperfect at times but there was always that fine line that put me in my place. Ironic how this entry might sound, given the fact that my parents aren't actually with me right now. I'm at home with my 2 younger brothers and they're both in Alaska, enjoying their cruise for their 23rd wedding anniversary. Now, you might wonder how I learned to respect them all the more, given the fact that they're not within reach for any conversation, help or comfort. But apparently, there's so much more to being without them than being with them, that makes you learn why you're not only obligated to give them respect, but why they deserve the respect you ought to give..
When I came back home to Davao from America on June 4, I immediately knew I had a lot of spare time before my internship in Europe would start. I have until September to make the most of my time with them. I also had the option to leave earlier and start ASAP on my post-college life plans (which still needs a lot of work, by the way). But, I chose to stay until September, knowing that the only person they trusted our business with, if we weren't there, was my uncle who recently moved to America to work as a nurse. Which meant that no one else would take care of the business, Also, knowing that they always go out of the country every year for their anniversary too, meant they needed someone to stay. I've done my mom's part in the business. I could never do dad's cause he took up sales and management of stocks and services. A very manly job considering our business is about providing professional services, parts and accessories for autos. I'm not really a big car fanatic so I can't really sell mags, bumpers or tires cause I barely know any brands for them or which would fit well for what car. And I could never help with service because it's hands on, literally, grease and dirt on your shirt after a day of working. So I help mom with the finances. I work under accounting, financing and HR, which means numbers galore all day. I've always had the opportunity to work for them and help my mom during school breaks and summers, but it was always under her watchful eye. So my work was never really full, since we split everything. Right now is a different story. Ever since I got back home all the workload has been on me and my mom would drop by every now and then to check papers, sign checks and withdrawals, interview potential employees then leave for other business meetings and the like. Given what I said, my parents are still around. So how and when exactly did I learn to respect them? When I put on their shoes and make sure they fit well, every single day. This is the most exhausted I've ever been. More exhausting that staying up all night for thesis and more exhausting than studying for French oral exams. It's exhausting because I don't really enjoy mom's work. It's easy for me now and I do her job twice as fast as her (because I learn fast), but it never really meant I enjoyed it. I'm working to help them and I'm working to keep our business up and running while they're having a break. It's not exactly easy having 4 branches and having to make sure all accounts are up to date, transactions are taken note of, and making sure all our other businesses are going well. To top it all off, I'm taking care of my two brothers. Not the easiest thing in the world but I somehow manage (I love my brothers with all my heart though so I enjoy taking care of them). I do groceries for the house, pick up my brother sometimes from tutor, making sure my brothers have allowance for school, making sure I'm there for their doctor/dentist appointments, making sure I'm there for my appointments, having to make heavy decisions for the office without them, work out (which I barely have time to do now because I'm so exhausted most of the time), tutor my youngest brother when I get home, spend time with them, make sure we go to mass on Sunday and take them out to dinner... EVERYTHING. I know my parents have a lot more things going on, more than what I'm handling right now. But after everything I'm doing while they're away... I can't help but feel so much respect for them. They do this every single day to make sure we're provided for, so that we can live comfortably and give us the things that we want and need. Every single day of doing more than whatever responsibility I'm carrying right now and they still manage to be there for every recognition day before, every field demonstration, and every school presentation. They're not just ever so present and dedicated in their profession, but they've ultimately been more present in our lives too. To them it was never just about work, it was about working to make sure we grow up with everything they could give, and that included their time and love - something I've learned is very hard to come by. To be honest, if I was in their shoes 10 or 20 years from now, a day from their work would probably put me to bed as soon as dinner's over. But they juggled and they managed and they've given us everything. To be in their shoes right now has been the best gift I received by choosing to stay here and help, because it made me realise all the things my parents have been doing that me and my brothers have so often overlooked. It's been a while since a gospel hit me. It's been a while since a homily has hit me and it's definitely been a while since God's hit me. While my mind and my heart has been aching for answers for a lot of the things that has, have and will be happening in my life, I've never felt or heard the voice of answers. It's been a while since I've felt cradled in His promise and it's been a while since I felt Him lead me forward. It's also been a while since I prayed. Sincerely prayed.
August 2, 2015. Soon as the priest read the gospel, I was conscious enough to pick up a few words here and there. I was struggling to listen to the word. I wanted to get any kind of message that seemed fitting for whatever was happening in my life that day and I wanted to know that He was there. But no matter how hard I tried to listen and decipher any message that would mean something for me, I couldn't pick up on anything. Looking back at it, it was actually quite simple. It's funny how I understood it better through the things that were happening to me the days that followed the gospel and through the homily that sequenced after the Lord's Word. I won't be sharing the gospel last Sunday, but instead, I'll be sharing the homily that changed my perspective on life drastically. So I was about to fall asleep 'cause I was tired as balls from staying up late when he mentioned the words "hunger" and "poor". Immediately, I woke up and started to listen attentively cause these were issues I felt very strongly about. The priest explained how a lot of people misunderstand the poor and don't appreciate and misjudge their suffering more than they are given the chance to show who they really are outside from being labeled solely as beggars, people who never had any ambition and etc. He put it this way - if you think about it, when you're in need, and you're desperate and your system needs what it needs, there are a lot of people who tend to succumb to the easy ways out. Lie, steal, kill... everything else in between. And if you really think about it, some of these "poor" people barely have anything to eat every single day for God know how many years... Barely have anything to provide for their families and barely have proper shelter throughout their whole life. And most of them manage to keep to their own. They keep their hands where it should be because, despite the lack of education for most, they know and they have their own values. They know what is morally good and they choose not to do the wrong things, the easy escape, because they know it is not just their lives that are being destroyed, it's others' too. While it's true that a number of people who are not able to work is also because of their own choices, we simply can't throw everyone into the same bowl as them and think that they'll all come out the same. Some of them simply cannot work, some are hindered by health problems because of their living conditions, hindered because of the lack of education and hindered because they are abused at home. I could think of a million other reason why some of these people are not able to acquire a better life but, they are able to stay true to themselves and what's morally good. There are different kinds of hunger each individual goes through. It could be that you're hungry for love, for attention, for recognition, for fame, for a lot of things. But he explained that the worst kind of hunger, the one that was the trickiest to satisfy, was spiritual hunger. Spiritual hunger doesn't necessarily mean that we're hungry for God. It meant you we're hungry for answers about yourself, who you are, your purpose, where and why you were placed in this world, and what should you achieve. God comes in only because He has the answers and through Him, you can find yourself. Which is why when we're spiritually hungry, we are lost and most times we tend to do things thinking that these will complete us and we always end up realising that we still never really have the answers that satisfy us. All we ever do is seek for answers but we don't look for the one who has the answers. We forget to go back to the Person who gave us our reasons and our wholeness and we lose ourselves in so many things thinking that it will make up for the emptiness we feel. Basically, the priest ended with this note. Or this is a simpler gist of it. I was on the edge of my seat and I thought to myself "Here comes my answers! I think God is finally answering me" but it never came. The priest ended his homily with going back to Christ in order to fill our spiritual hunger... but he never explained how and that was what I wanted. So I turned to my dad and said "I really like his homily but it lacked the solution. How are we supposed to get answers without a solution?" And this was part 2 of the mass that drastically changed my life and how I'm working on my spiritual hunger (never really imagined I'd get such wise words from dad though to be honest). He told me: "Just like how he started his homily, with the poor and the thieves. You can steal but you will always be sustained by something that's going to kill you everyday, something that's going to poison you and make you weak. If you want to eat and you're hungry then you need to look for any way that you can in order to sustain yourself. The poor beg, they clean the streets, pick out plastic from the canals and sell them and etc. but it's always sticking to their morals and what they believe in. Just like with God, you need to work too in order to sustain yourself spiritually. No one's always going to teach you what to do, you know yourself best and you know what you're capable of in order to sustain yourself in the best way that you can in Christ." Abstract as it may be, it was the most direct answer I had. It wasn't the answer I wanted, it wasn't the answer I was looking for, but it was the answer that I needed. Philippians 4:6-7 "6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Sad to think how people now-a-days trust the belief that loving someone will keep their relationships alive. If you think about it, a lot of people lightly falsify this idea to be something that will last. Not everyone recognises the simple fact that emotions come and go and for many who categorise love as an emotion, they seem to fail in stabilising and solidifying a relationship that they have. Love as an emotion makes it easy to say yes to someone as it is to say no when the emotion disappears. Suddenly, we just don't find ourselves wanting the other person anymore because there's nothing left to feel.
I know a lot of people rushing to get married, simply because they "love someone so much it just seems right and isn't that enough reason to be with someone forever?" The answer is no. It's not enough. If your notion and understanding of love allows you to make rash decisions on the basis on what the idea of love is allowing you to feel right at this very moment, then you have not given the thought of marriage any justice. You have not given the promise of for better or for worse any justice. People who have nothing else in life going for them except their significant other because of the strong emotion they feel towards them - will fail. Any relationship where an individual cannot see anything else but to do, to follow and to live for their significant others will fail. This is not love, simply put, this is an obsession and one that will quickly turn out foul than bloom. I am not putting romantics down nor am I against the idea of love. But I am tired of people making up excuses on failing a relationship, failing a marriage or failing someone simply because "I just don't love them anymore." They say it like love is so easy, when it's not. It's not even about being together and being happy. It's not about loving someone and everything else should just fall into place. It's not as simple as that because if it was, then we would all still be with the people we had our first relationships with. People who make love easy give themselves the unforeseen power to make it easier to walk away when the time comes that love walks out. Relationships that put the emotion of love as their foundation will feel entitled to look for something better if the love will no longer provide them constant happiness. A few consecutive days when love fails to provide happiness in a relationship because of a rough patch will more often than not, lead us back to our false entitlement of what we think we deserve. And for these people, it can be so easy to say "I deserve better" when they can, although with the risk of a more difficult yet satisfying road, say "We deserve better, so we will work hard on this to fix the problem and move on together with the solution we came up with together." Couples who've been married for 40, 50 or 60 years and managed to stay together always intrigued me. I always found myself asking them questions like "How do you stay together?", "Don't you run out of things to talk about?", or "Do you still love each other?". Though not completely identical, I seldom found one pattern of thought with every answer that I had the privilege of getting: they love each other, they fall out, they work on it through friendship and they fall back. Which brings me back to my first claim: love as an emotion will never be constant. Love, for as long as it's an emotion, will always be infatuation. For the people who don't know this yet, love only ever kicks in when you choose to stay when the feeling of being in love leaves your mind, leaves your heart and leaves your body. Slowly it makes you think less of the person, feel less or care less for the person and work less for the person. If you let the idea of love as an emotion override your system and you allow yourself to act on it, then you will slowly die inside your relationship. But, for the people who choose to say no when the emotions leave and yes to working on staying, despite the lack of feeling, that's when you know someone loves you. Now, I want to focus on the part where these old couples' thoughts trained to friendship when love failed for the first time. A lot of the couples I asked gave the same answer, the truth, that eventually, people fall out of love and for those who choose to stay despite this truth, are the ones who truly get to experience love. They slowly move to, lean on and rely on friendship to help keep their relationship together and subsequently, they find new reason/s to fall back into the other. This friendship allowed them to grow together, yet grow as separate individuals as well. The space without the infatuation gave them an allowance to become their own selves, become independent, so when they did decide to marry each other, they knew it wasn't because they depended on the other or they needed to, but simply because they wanted to. That makes a great deal of difference - to know that you've established yourself and everything that's missing in your life and to choose to give yourself as a whole rather than a portion that needs to be filled by another, which is better because it simply means that you're complete but you can have more through this other person. There is nothing missing yet there's still something that can be added. You're at the peak of your life yet the choice to be with someone or marry someone takes you even higher. Which in my humble opinion, sounds better than being someone who lacks something and finds a sense of completeness through another. This is why love isn't enough. Because emotions demand petty things like time, physical proximity and petty efforts. Real love demands work, demands the space to grow on your own and the closeness to grow together, it demands friendship and the choice that you'll continue to say yes despite the lack of feelings in your relationship. "We're moving in together"
It's not really something usual Filipino couples would say, but I've had quite a number of friends who've started to live with their partners. I guess with all this change in culture happening right now, I just want to explain why I won't be doing this sort of thing before I marry someone. Also, why I think moving in together before marriage is not exactly the best and brightest idea. Live-in partners... The term sounds off. It's changed the culture of marriage drastically and the term is fairly new (I know, because my thesis was about relationships). Marriage, in most cultures, used to be a solid bond between two people. One that wasn't easily broken by the access of divorce and something that was well thought of and prepared for by couples who willingly entered long-term relationships. Of course, there are a few exceptions. Like those couples who'd fall in love in a month, get married in 2 and last until one goes headfirst into the grave. See, courtships and relationships used to be a the starting string to marriage. You throw it out in open water, wait patiently for a fish to bite and if you're lucky, the big catch is at the other end of the line. The problem nowadays is, a lot of people keep the line going and and even when they have something good, they never seem to reel her in. This is why a lot of couples settle for just "living together", why they never marry or why it's so easy for them to get out of marriage because their partner was never really the perfect catch reeled in. The catcher simply left them caught out in the open water, which makes it so easy for them to let it go if they think something out there is better. I can talk about a million other reasons why people fall out or why relationships fail, but I'm going to focus on living together before tying the knot. Now, I've heard a lot of defense about this and it's mostly: "It's for us to learn what the other is like so we're really sure about them" or "We just can't wait and we want to be with each other already" or "I think it's a good practice to have before marrying someone so you can see how they're like when you live with them and if you can tolerate certain behaviours and etc." and the list goes on. All I can hear when these reasons pass through my ear is impatience. Courtship, used to be a long and drawing process. Even relationships used to be long, it was for you to really know your partner in many ways before having a life committed to them. Think about it this way, if you do start living together, then what the hell is the difference between marrying someone and having a life with them together without having a ring on both your fingers? Just that. A label. But you're basically doing everything married couples should do. Marriage has stooped down to a level so low it's become something that's so easily thrown away. I believe that people should respect themselves more and what they're able to do without someone else there. The space that you have before you get married to someone is space for you to grow deeply and make sure you make the most out of where you choose to plant yourself in the world. This allows clarity about every single thing in your life without having someone there to influence your thoughts and decisions. It's not a matter of trial and error and to see if this person is actually "okay" to live with. It's about patience and expanding your appreciation towards someone else in many other ways. A lot of people think "Okay, if I can live with this person for 3 years then I can probably be with them when we're married and we can get through anything". That's where the problem lies, people start comparing marriage to something as fickle as "living together" and base a life of commitment to a life of temporary physical closeness that they forget marriage is a whole other level of committing yourself to someone. "It was easy to walk away and walk out the door when we had arguments and disappear for a week or two, but we're still okay. So it can happen during marriage and I'm sure we'll still be fine". When you're married, it calls for a more mature response, by that time you can't just walk out the door and disappear for 2 weeks. You need to look for ways to calm down, sit down and talk about it with your partner. Remember that the enemy isn't your significant other, but the argument and you have to walk away from it instead of walking away from your partner. Living together with someone blurs out the once fine line that it had between marriage and that's why a lot of marriages fail. They failed to explore their single life enough, because they were too excited to be together with the catch they left swimming in the water. They failed to know the other person on a more deeper level outside of physical intimacy. In the long run, they failed to appreciate the other person because they now want to appreciate themselves, something that they couldn't do because they put the other person in first place when that was supposed to be you, at the prime of your "single" life. You need time alone before marrying someone to know how to deal with things better. Because if you can go through it apart what's saying you can't get through the worst once you're finally together. A lot of live-in partners fight about a lot of petty things which escalate into a pile of frustration and hatred that they start to believe it's the worst that the relationship could give. They fail to realise that there's so much more to the small squabbles and petty arguments and once they hit that during marriage, they're already running on empty and the motivation to fight for the better has dwindled down. This happens because they couldn't practice working on it and trying to get through the problem while having time to think on their own and how they want to say what they want to without raising their voices. A lot of people mistake living in together as a preparation for marriage, when it's not. Growing together while you're apart, growing on your own and making sure you do all the things that you want to do without the consent and decision of someone else prepares you to think clearly and act more like how you should when situations arise during marriage. But then again, just my two cents on the whole thing. It’s weird. It says 10:36pm on my clock but the sun’s barely reached its highest point way over where I am right now. My clock’s still synced to Tampa time but the sunlight outside the airplane window says I’m far from that now. It’s weird to think how I was home in your arms for two weeks and now I’m headed back home to the Philippines. Like I said in Chapter 2, I always knew this was coming. I guess it’s just hard when it’s there and suddenly it’s like shit… We’ll be 9,000 something miles away from each other, have this 12-hour difference and most times when we’re awake where we are, the other’s asleep.
I’m not going to lie, I cried my eyeballs out at the airport, on the air train to my gate, waiting for boarding, lining up for boarding, stowing my stuff on the plane now more than 12 hours later, I’m still crying. It hurts so fucking much. I mean I can appreciate all the people who feel bad for us and say they wish we were in a better situation, or that they understand how it’s like to be far away from someone they love… but no. I appreciate it, but you don’t know. You don’t know because you’re not the one in a relationship with him or with me so you don’t know our past and our struggles. You don’t know the kind of person I’m loving but have to be away from because…. well shit, we just don’t live in the same country. You don’t know what it’s like to go through the joy of seeing him and dreading the start of the countdown. Day 1, and the next day inches closer to the day you have to let him go again. Until eventually, the last day arrives and it seems like nothing else is happening except blocking out everything and everyone and just see the sadness in his eyes when you look at him one last time before you enter your boarding gate. This time, none of us can easily say “I’ll see you for our anniversary” or “I’ll see you for Christmas” because really… We’re both still starting our lives and trying to find jobs and we can’t afford to pay $1,500 on our own just to see each other. There’ll be no more late night calls to talk about how our day went and just give time to each other because by the time that my day’s ending, is when his is just beginning. Everything’s going to be so different and I am scared. We both are. But, in Robert’s words: “No one has a love like ours” And we both trust in that. I’ve seen him twice this year. My graduation, I saw him for a day. This vacation I just had in America, I visited his home in Tampa, Florida. I stayed with him for 2 weeks. And that’s it, guys. That is the LAST time I’ll be seeing him this year. I have to get by June, July, August, September, October, November, December and only God knows how many more months in 2016 til I can see him again. But I guess no matter what happens, in a relationship or not, we’d both love to see each other again and we both know that we’ll always love each other. I just hope that that will be enough to keep us together. But for now, I know that we both want this, and that will get us by every single day til we can get a ticket to head on the other’s way. I’ll see you soon, Robert. We can do this. I guess I'm writing this because I can already feel his absence. I mean, I'm still in America and I'm going to see him for two weeks in Tampa before flying back to the Philippines, but it's like the part of me who knows where I live and where I come from, already feels his absence. He's gone for good and even if I know he's actually flying closer to where I am, it's going to be fast and temporary. Then again, anything with long distance relationships are always temporary until the time comes both of you decide to settle and stay in one place together and we both still have a long way to go.
So, can I just say that after 5 years Rob Roa's finally going back home to America. As his friend, I'm probably the happiest person ever. Knowing him for 3 years already, he's been nothing but excited about going back. He'd always tell me stories of how his life was like and how he's excited to see changes and make some of his own. As his girlfriend, it's pretty hard. It's always been "Should I be happy or upset that he's leaving?" because, of course, I want him to be happy. But I guess this is what I signed up for. There was never a day or a time it's been easy for me. Whenever he chose me to share his deepest and truest feelings to about home and going back, I was always there to listen. It's not like I never had a choice just because I was his girlfriend, because I did. I chose to listen to him, not knowing how to feel about it. I was always torn between two emotions: one, was that I was happy for him and two, I felt lost and upset knowing that he was going to leave. Every single time, every single story. It was a constant struggle for me because I always played two roles. The friend who was always willing to listen and be there for him, who was always genuinely happy and excited for him and for the life he always talked about as soon as he'd land back home. And of course, as the girlfriend who's also very happy about her boyfriend's happiness and is also excited for him to start his future and reach his goals. But then I'm also the same girlfriend whose boyfriend is leaving and is the girlfriend who will be left behind (for a couple of years). Long distance in the same country was semi-easy. Not the easiest thing, but it was doable. Now idk what's going to happen when he's going to be out there in Florida and I'll be stuck in Davao for a couple of months before I do my internship in Belgium for 6 months. Now, it's not just about the distance, it's also going to be about the time difference, the need for internet connection to communicate (cause I'm pretty sure international text is going to be a killer) and our patience for and with each other. This is the kind of relationship I signed up for and it's always going to be a fight and an agreement between being friends with him and knowing that he's also something so much more. |
- 1 -“I am looking for friends. What does that mean -- tame?" |