Major. Depressive. Disorder.
Big words. Honestly, it’s not something I ever thought I’d have. I’m not sure if it’s because of the Filipino culture shunning the idea of mental disorders or it’s just because I usually try to bury my problems and feelings. I don’t like sharing how I feel, especially when I don’t feel okay. I feel like it’s a big burden to put on someone when they listen to me. So, naturally when I can’t handle it anymore, it comes out as little bursts that exhausts itself through platforms that aren’t really helpful. Ironically, I’m the kind of person who can listen to someone for hours, if it means I get to help them in some sort of way. I’m pretty sure a lot of you don’t know what this feels like or let alone have an idea of what it is. It’s not something everyone should say lightly. “Oh, I’m so depressed cause x, y and z”. Obviously I don’t want people to think I’m weak, but I think it’s important for people to have an understanding of what this “thing” really is. I hope you can read this with respect. It’s extremely hard to put myself out here and show myself bare just so you can at least have an idea of the reality that is depression. Also, I know a lot of people think that I’m strong. I handle a lot of shit on my own and I like being independent and all that. With what I’m about to say, this is not me breaking down and asking for pity… this is me trying to be strong for everyone so people out there can have an idea of what it feels like to be in the exact same position and know that you should not be blamed or called “OA” for what you’re going through. A LOT OF SHIT HAS HAPPENED SINCE 2017. It’s safe to say that the consistency of how I’m feeling has been an everyday mood since last year. Some days are good, most days are great and then there are the fair few bad days. Despite struggling through everything, I had a few lifelines here and there which, unfortunately, I do not have anymore. Which is one of the biggest reasons why I ended up in the hospital and recently these suicidal waves are starting to form into full-on tides. But therapy has helped me a lot and I’m trying extremely hard to keep up with just getting through the day. One of the things that keep me going is thinking that if I disappear, I’m going to create a domino of heartaches and I don’t want to put that on anyone. Well at least that’s what I keep in my head the moments that I don’t black out from strong impulses of just wanting to escape the “nothingness”. I’ve been on two anti-depressant medication since I walked out of the hospital and I recently just stopped cause I didn’t feel like they were helping. I haven’t had withdrawals from Prozac but I had really bad withdrawals from stopping Remeron. For a while, I would see flickering lights when I’d try to sleep, I would palpitate really bad and my brain just wouldn’t stop and rest. But after 2 week, it’s been easier to fall asleep. Since the start of this year, good days have been temporary. Days have been going extremely quick and slow at the same time. All the happiness are hours that are thrown out the window way too quickly and most of the hours left in my day just drag on. Don’t get me wrong, when I’m happy, I’m genuinely happy. But recently, I’ve been trying way too hard to be happy that it’s not natural anymore. The normality of my days have fluctuated and it seems like I’ve been trying so hard to look for something good more often than I should be looking for ways to get out of the bad. A lot of the things I do to keep myself okay are starting to slow down from working and I’m having a harder time looking for new ways to get new days. It’s like all of the heaviness is literally just this whole black thing that you can’t grasp, understand or even reason with. One moment you’re in a room with a floating black nothingness inside you and the next thing you know, it’s all around you. There are days when I can’t stop crying. I cry when I wake up, when I take a shower, when I cook my food, when I eat, when I ride the bus to school, in between bathrooms breaks while I’m supposed to be having class, before I go to bed, when I walk around town… it’s something I can’t control. One moment I’m extremely happy that the sun’s out and it’s such a beautiful day and then I’m reminded of everything that’s gone wrong and how it makes me feel and I just stop whatever I’m doing cause it all makes my chest physically hurt. It’s like suddenly being punched out of nowhere and you can’t do anything but to stand there and take it all in. Things that made you happy or excited don’t really excite you anymore or they’re fleeting moments that feel so temporary. Usual routines are a lot harder to do because everything feels so pointless. Walking feels pointless, talking, eating, thinking… it just feels like it leads to nowhere and it’s not solving anything. Doing anything takes up so much energy and you’re just tired all the time from everything that you feel and everything that you’re doing. You literally feel like a car forcing itself to run on empty and there’s no one there to push you or give you a jumpstart or even spare extra gas to run a few miles… That’s how my entire being feels. Here’s the truth. For years, I’ve been trying extremely hard to be strong. I’m not spared from gossip, social pressure, academic pressure, and especially pressure from my parents. I guess I’ve been trying so hard to keep it all together all these years and pushed my emotions aside that now I’m facing all the pain that’s been collecting since I was 12 (long story). High school was and is still the worst years of my life and I literally hated almost everyone. It was so difficult for me to see people years later trying to be nice to me when in reality all I wanted was for karma to hit them hard and fast. And while I was slowly climbing my success ladder in life, some of these people got the karma they deserved. And as much as I thought it would make me happy, it never did. I hated how I would always have a soft spot for people and still wanted what was best for them even when they gave me nothing but shit and shit. If I have to be extremely honest with myself, all these years that I was mad at that time of my life was not because of everyone who put me down, but because I couldn’t forgive myself for not wanting to see these people fail, hurt or suffer. Again, that’s me putting other people first, which is something I’ve always been good at doing… but I’ve been doing it well enough that I’ve honestly forgotten how to put me first. High school was bad enough where I actually attempted for the first time. Obviously my attempt failed cause I’m still here. I should’ve already started looking for help right then and there. College was a whole other phase of different problems and relationship fallouts. I hate that I started seeing the worst in people but not being mature or smart enough to change or help them. I hate that even when I knew I couldn’t make these people happy or proud of me, I’d still clamor for their approval because I wanted to make them happy. I hate how I was never old enough to know better and to choose myself when I knew that it would have been the best decision for me. Slowly I realized that most of the person that I wanted to be was jut someone that everyone else would like so I could avoid re-experiencing the shitty-ness of high school gossip. I was doing so many things to be someone that could please other people that really… it made me forget who I really was, the values and beliefs I kept and what I wanted for myself. And then there’s now. 13 years later and all of the years of conflict inside me is now starting to fight with my sanity. When I try so hard for the people I really care about and to have them tell you or show you that it’s not enough. That the people who don’t have the biggest impact on my life have to be the ones to tell me that they’re proud of me, they’re happy to have me, that I’m a good person, that they accept me, that they appreciate me… I hate that all of these issues are coming down fast on me and it feels like I’m drowning and every time I try to come up for air, I get breaths that are good enough to hold in for 10 seconds and then the undertow starts pulling me down again. I used to float and put all my problems and pain underwater. Then I used to swim when the currents started picking up. I guess I was avoiding it long enough that all the land I thought I had are now gone and I have no choice but to keep swimming and I’m so tired and the waves are eating me alive. I need a lifeline. I need it now more than ever. Depression is real. You may not understand it. I don’t understand it either, cause if I did I would have fixed it by now. But I understand how it feels to have it. It’s there and it’s not some funny joke you can pass around. So before you belittle someone for how they feel especially when they start feeling like the entire weight of the world is on their shoulders, don’t be an asshole. Don’t get mad at what you can’t understand and don’t tell them it’s so easy to choose to be happy or walk away from this. Because like I said, this black nothingness is all around me so even if I tried to walk away or run away from it… I still feel like I’m going nowhere. Don’t tell me others are having it worse and then tell me to try and have a good day. Because trust me, I’m trying… and it’s barely working. The sad thing is that I actually have to TRY and be happy. Do you have any idea of the mental strain and energy it actually takes to TRY and feel something that should come so naturally because of certain situations? No, you don’t. You don’t know. But reading this, now I hope you accept that there is something so real as depression, and just because it can’t accommodate to what your knowledge can or can’t grasp, it doesn’t mean you have to put people down for having it. You’re welcome.
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